The Caregiver Diary: The Stand Still

In the Beginning

When I made the decision to become Wife and Caregiver I knew it wouldn’t be an easy task. I knew there would be lots of sacrifices on my part. This Relationship would prove to be the biggest challenge I would ever have to face. When we were married, we lived in town. After the first year we made a joint decision to move from our little townhouse. There were several factors involved in this decision but we felt it was for the best. A friend of mine was keeping a watchful eye out for a new place for us because this move was fast sending me into a frenzy. There were so many things had to be taken into account. Most people can simply look at location, size and price. We had to factor in Wheelchair access and bathroom space amongst other things. Eventually my friend spotted a little hole in the wall in a neighboring town. Time was running out on our current lease so I knew I had little choice but to find a place quickly because I can’t really be homeless with a Disabled husband. We contacted the owner and made a deal. I thought at first that this would be just the peace of mind that we wanted. We are now approaching the end of our second year out here. The first year was busy, the kids lived with us most of the year and although that was extremely stressful it was nice having company. I’m not sure if people really realize that when you are a live in Caregiver, your job never ends, so any little break from the monotony helps a lot. After the kids left and the friends faded I started to really feel the affects of being isolated. Each day I sink a little bit further into the pit of depression. I thought moving out here would be great even though we didn’t have a reliable vehicle at the time. After our first year we were lucky enough to get approved to buy a van and I thought for sure we were finally catching a break. I would soon find out exactly how wrong I was. When we bought the van we had high hopes of paying it off and converting it into a wheelchair van. Someone we relied on for medical transportation had told us that it would only cost a couple thousand to convert. We eventually found out that this was very wrong information. The cost of a conversion is at least Ten Thousand dollars. Ten Thousand dollars that we will never have. So now here I am in my second year of isolation, with no real hope for anything better.

The Stand Still
When we moved to a more isolated area I said I could deal with it as long as we got a vehicle to get back and forth to town. I know that even though I enjoy my privacy, I also need socialization. So now I sit here staring out the same window everyday with tears in my eyes. I never thought my life would come to a complete standstill at Forty-Five. I see life happening all around me and it dawns on me that I won’t ever have that life. I see people fishing, swimming, vacationing or even just hanging out with friends and it hurts. I understand I made this life choice and my love for my husband is no less than it was the first time I realized I loved him. I just never expected to live my life in isolation and I am truly not sure how much longer I can actually do it without losing myself completely. Everyday I feel myself getting more depressed and bitter and I don’t want to be that way. So I guess for now i’ll just sit her staring out my window daydreaming and trying to remember what it was like to actually have a life.
Kelly~ 2017
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2 Replies to “The Caregiver Diary: The Stand Still”

  1. You’re care, well being and happiness counts just as much as his does you know. I know you do everything for him but is there no way to have a nurse or caregiver maybe visit once a week so you can have a few hours to yourself to take off, go look at the shops, meet a friend of coffee? It’s not like you’re hiring a babysitter but your love needs constant help. Just because you are his primary care does not mean your life becomes attached to his always.

    I’m sure, as he loves you, he can feel your sadness and isolation. Don’t let that come between you. Maybe it’s time to move back into a bigger town with better amenities and possibilities for transportation you don’t have to fork out thousands for? Just some thoughts. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. we have talked recently about me needing a break. He does understand. As far as moving, there’s a lot that goes into moving with someone who is disabled. So in some ways we’re kind of locked in where we are. His insurance paid for a special shower for him, and it’s a once in a lifetime offer.

    Like

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